


Beautiful

by youkokurama



Category: Kaikan Phrase | Sensual Phrase
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Instability, Repression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-01-13
Updated: 2001-01-13
Packaged: 2019-09-16 08:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16950309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youkokurama/pseuds/youkokurama
Summary: Repressed events in Towa's subconscious reaches a disturbing level, to the point that he begins pushing away himself and even the ones he love and the ones who want to love him..





	Beautiful

_Fine._

He was, unfortunately, a very impatient person.

He revved his bike out into the left lane. The trip's going to be longer, but then this could be a whole lot better than waiting behind a long line of crawling cars and construction work.

Blocks flew by and people whizzed by. He didn't really care.

Then he saw the man again, standing by the gate of a familiar apartment.

He didn't care either.

 

 

I call myself Towa.

I don't like to be called by my real name.

It's been a year since I left Neon.

It's been a year too since I joined Lucifer.

I have moved on.

I'm paid well, I'm acknowledged sufficiently for my talents, I get along with my band.

As I've said, I have moved on. Just like other people.

But there are times when I can't help but think things…

 

 

And, oftentimes, I blink when he goes into the room.

He doesn't catch it.

I actually blink because I try to wrack my brains to ascertain if what happened last night… when he wiped the tears from my cheeks… was _real_ …

I often wonder that.

Or if it's just another stupid dream…

This is getting scary. It's as if I'm starting to mistake fantasy with reality…

Now, I wonder, as I watch him and the others tinker with their equipment, if even this studio, if even _them_ , are real…

Yuki.

He finally sees me looking at him, and he smiles a little wearily.

Suddenly I find that last night was real, so I immediately drop my gaze, feeling so humiliated. I certainly won't want him bringing up that subject here…

He always does that. I mean, look at me and smile. Wearily or otherwise. After all, perhaps next to Atsuro, Yukifumi's the one closer to my wavelength.

I really don't know how that came to be. It does make me cringe oftentimes that I actually… like… being close to him.

I don't know why he makes me feel that way.

I just hope it's not that word called "attraction". Damn. I am NOT gay. Period. Even if I cross-dress I'm still not one, and I'm NOT about to start being one. It's already kind of humiliating being stared at because of this odd dressing preference of mine, so why should I?

And… I really don't know… everytime I think of him, everytime I see him, everytime I'm placed near him at performances, I feel… miserable...?

So I hate him for it.

I really do.

 

 

I don't know - I just feel so sleepy. I tried to move an arm, but somehow I still had to drag it to lift it up. Like rubber.

_Damn… is this what it's like to be drunk…?_

No - I could still feel my surroundings. They're not yet spinning. So far. Which means that I'm still awake and sane, still conscious, which must be good. From what I've read on novels and seen on TV, when a person's drunk he's unconscious of his surroundings…

_You're tipsy..._

_?_

No… I could still feel Yuki. I'm still hoping that he wouldn't smell the traces of beer, if there's still any. I'm still hoping I have washed the scent off my mouth well. Dumped the beer cans well.

_It's just eight cans but_

"It's good," Yuki suddenly said.

I could still hear the paper rustle.

The notes, it seems, are getting kind of blurry though...

_… sleepy…?_

_Towa, don't sleep on me now…_

I shifted in my seat, pinched an ear with a weak hand in an attempt to jolt myself awake. No effect though… the hand fell away limply. This won't do - I know that if I suddenly collapse in my seat he'd notice. Yukifumi's the most perceptive and intuitive of us all… hell.

_No one would let me in on a secret… because everyone thinks I wouldn't care_

My whole body suddenly stiffened. My chest began to contort itself again…

_Of course they wouldn't_

_Because you never really show them who you really are don't you_

_stop_

"Eh?"

I blinked, meeting Yuki's slightly surprised gaze. "What?"

"You said 'Stop'." He stared at me for a second or two more afterwards, unmoving, then suddenly frowned a little as he shifted on his seat to face me. "You've been drinking, haven't you."

_shit_

I just shook my head. Bad idea, because it seemed to make me realize more that I'm getting sleepier.

"Towa… you don't normally drink -"

I acted bored, closing my eyes as I sighed and propped my head at the back of the sofa with my arm. Just trying to rest my eyes for a while, actually… "I'm not, Yukifumi. Just sleepy."

"You're sleepy because you've been drinking."

" _Iie_ ," I said then, suddenly standing up in annoyance to walk to my bedroom, "I'm going to -"

I suddenly felt the world tilt.

The next thing I realized was I'm shoved against a soft, fresh-scented black shirt.

I quickly moved away from Yuki's arms, pasting my usual unaffected expression on my face. " _Gomen nasai_." _Damn he might get the idea that I'm seducing him_

_but that's what you want_

_don't you_

"Towa, I _can_ recognize that scent off your mouth..."

_Typically calm but foreboding Yukifumi._

_please_

I just waved him away, spinning around and flaunted walking to my bedroom. "You recognized wrong," I said over my shoulder as I went, "Please, just study the notes and make yourself at home. Just lock the door when you go _ne_?"

I quickly shut the door, not bothering anymore to turn on the lights as I half-stumbled in, losing all usual poise as I crashed down the bed unceremoniously. I didn't even bother to pull back the sheets or anything.

I just lay there.

_so sleepy_

_you should always expect humans to be insensitive_

_I tried to push out all those depressing thoughts in my mind but_

_Hey Towa expect_

_please notice me_

I shifted my head to squint at the door for a few seconds, then turned away again.

_you don't have the right to expect_

_I struggled but_

_you don't deserve anything_

I slowly felt my chest squeeze.

_no_

_no…_

I bolted upright, despite all the haziness in my head pushing me back to bed. And at the same time that the door suddenly swung open, making me yelp a little in surprise.

_My chest still felt kind of heavy though… like it's being sat on. Makes me try hard to breathe_

" _Gomen_ … did I scare you?"

_what do you think?!_

_what do you_

" _Iie_." Luckily the room was dark - he didn't seem to notice those thin wet trails on my cheeks. I headed to the bathroom casually, taking care that I'm just walking normally and not stumbling like drunks… whatever… do. I opened the light, turning away from the glare. A light's actually the last thing I need... "What is it?"

_it's the depression's fault. Gomen kudasai_

"I'd just like to talk to you about something. Can we do it outside?"

Letting the water run loud, I sniffed back the telltale sob at my nose, closed my eyes to will the tears away, then splashed shockingly cold water on my face. "Can't we do that tomorrow?"

I didn't get a response. I sort of expected one.

I pulled a towel off the rack, quickly wiped my face with it, threw it back and went out to hear Yuki's answer. I always feel kind of stupid whenever I don't get a response after I ask something. The lights were still off, and I saw Yuki seated at the edge of the bed's side table.

"We can talk here if you want. I won't be staying long anyway."

I went to the other side of the bed, pulled back the cover, realizing at the same time that I haven't changed my clothes at the whole time I was in the bathroom. No point going back in there, though, or else he'd really notice that I'm woozy. I paused from getting in the sheets, looking up at him for approval. "Would you mind?"

He gave a slight gesture "no." But that was actually the least of my concerns now. Those slowly accelerating heartbeats in my chest were now kind of keeping me preoccupied, making telltale goosebumps on my arms. Maybe because of Yuki's seeming very close presence… I don't know. No… I _know_ …

_it's the anticipation I guess_

And I squeezed my eyes shut as I sank in, not facing him. "Don't you really want to talk tomorrow instead? I'm -"

 _It's a familiar setup. You just expect to get laid don't you_  
  
_Stop!_

"Sleepy, I know." Yuki cut in. A short moment of silence, then, "I saw the beer cans in the trash."

_baka no Towa_

" _Sou ka_ …"

"Towa!" He sounded exasperated now. The usual calm - only with a dangerous edge. Him in that kind of tone of voice sort of really commanded you to listen. I did listen, but only another bout of silence answered me.

I was about to fall asleep when, "Towa, what's wrong?"

 _never believe_  
_  
he's just asking for the sake of asking. It's the routine of nice people… they just ask but they actually can't do anything to help you_

_baka_

I just closed my eyes.

_You can never let your problems interfere with the functionality of the band. No - in fact, you shouldn't. Problems are inexcusable… you should get a leave I guess… think things over. When you're finally okay you can go back here and_

"Towa… look, I'm getting worried about you."

_please hold me_

I didn't realize that I was clutching the sheets a little too tightly. He might notice. I flexed my fingers slightly then.

_I do want him to hold me tight_

_Towa, you're SO weak…_

_it's all his fault_

_he shouldn't have tried to be too nice_  
  
It took me a moment then to realize that I'm slowly starting to struggle again with my breath - with those tears threatening to spill. It all made me angry of myself… I know well enough not to show my weakness to others but still…

_But then my teacher told me that I'm the only one who can solve my own problems_

_but then_

_but this is what you've always wanted right?_

_then why are you pushing him away_

_he wouldn't understand_  
  
no one  
  
_then why are you still expecting that he would_

_you shouldn't_

_so what's the point_

_you don't have a right to expect_

_can't you let go_

I forced a chuckle. "I don't have any problems. Maybe you do…"

_I want to tell you… what I feel…what I really want to say…_

I suddenly felt myself being yanked up from the sheets forcefully, making me gasp a little. I felt a tear escape the corner of my closed eye, sliding down to the pillow below as I was lifted. I haven't flinched from the impact however… I just came face to face with Yuki's really angry stare, and I automatically reciprocated the whole thing with an angry glare of my own. Yet I was quiet… another usual reaction. The only other thing I did was to try to yank off his hold on me, but his grip was like a vice's. It actually hurts.

"If you don't have any problems as you say, then why are you acting like this? Why do you act like -"

_if there weren't people around I might have changed into a person other than I am now… maybe someone better_

_no more additional problems to burden… no more thinking about what others would feel and how they would think of me whenever I do something_

_if I lived only for my own I might have felt the freedom and the happiness I always tried to find_  
  
_if I was on my own_

He suddenly shut himself up, visibly tried to force his self-control to surface lest he says things further that he might regret. I've been wanting to hear the rest of that, actually, but then it's no use to prod Yuki when he's at this stage. That's what I usually do too when I'm angry, so I know. Only, it seems I've got a better sense of self-control - it's actually not working for him.

_no, I don't want to be alone_

"I don't have any problems, Yuki. And if ever I did have any, you have my assurance that it wouldn't interfere with my duties with the band." My expression turned calmer, but my voice still retained that decibel of danger that rivaled his own. "So can you please let go of me now?"

He ignored that. "It is interfering now."

_but I think it would be even worse if I also feel others' problems when I'm not alone_

I didn't really know how to answer that. This whole scenario just reminds me of that first time I got cornered by him and Santa - when they were just coaxing me to join their band.

Only, this situation's more intense. And I expect things to get tenser around here. I could practically feel the temperature rise higher.

"Let go of me," I said, icily. I actually don't like repeating myself. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Yes, you do. You're going to tell me what's wrong. I won't take no for an answer."  
_  
we won't take no for an answer_

I didn't realize that I've involuntarily jerked away. But he still held me in place, seeming not to notice this. It's the angry Yukifumi alright. "I've been patient with you for the past months, and you know well enough that this is what happens when someone in the band has finally frayed my patience."

_we won't take no for an answer_

_let's play, Towa_

I struggled to half-smirk at him, despite all the storms rushing through my head. I tried to hide that… distress…? _I…_ "Why - if ever I do have a problem as you say, would you be able to help me? I don't think so."

His whole expression and voice suddenly softened, almost making me soften too in surprise. "I think so."

_sick_

_let's play, Towa…_

I just stared straight at him. I heard those words before, seen that type of expression too many times before.

_Everything…_

_it all just feels so hypocritical_

It almost makes me sick.

_baka no Towa_

But somehow I felt some kind of hope too…

_but then, it's always because of that hope that I get deeper into trouble_

No change in expression at all, I wrenched his hand off my wrist firmly, trying not to tremble. This is too much... "Goodnight, Yukifumi." I started moving to get under the covers again, still feeling his eyes on me. Eyes of sympathy, pity… hate… I don't know. No, it can't be sympathy. And I hate pity. Whatever… I really don't care. I should not care. _I…_

_I'm already succumbing in my seemingly self-inflicted pain, so why should I?_

_Towa…_

_hello, Towa…_  
  
And at the corner of my eye I saw him suddenly lift his hand. I sort of expected him to punch me, and my body automatically tensed.

_stop it_

Instead, I felt his fingers brush against my cheek, cold damp air passing over the area as they went.

I realized that he was wiping off that tear trail I must have had a while ago.

And he stood up after finishing the task, walking to the door and closing it after him as he went out, leaving me confused and disjointed. I looked down at my hands.

Trembling.

_I'm…_

_why…_

I don't know how long I've sat there, just looking at them.

I didn't notice the tears that came afterwards.

_If this was a film… or a novel… I might have chased after you and asked you to stay and hold me tight…_

 

 

He unplugged the amplifier.

_I expect someone to kiss me when I cry. Isn't that what usually happens? Most of the time, to hush someone, you've got to kiss them. Show them affection though you don't really mean it. I can't really tell which._

_but what right do I have to expect things that's more likely not to happen…_

"Okay. Thanks, guys." There's that usual little smile, and I watch them go through the motions - Santa whooping up and going to the Coke dispenser, Atsuro stretching, Sakuya picking up his helmet at the corner and wordlessly heading for the door.

I suddenly feel sick, and I tug at my dress' little tie. Trying not to look too hurried, I also head for the door.

"You have transpo today?" He calls out.

 _Damn stupid concern!_ If only he could hear me. I never curse in front of all of them, though. " _Iie_. I'm walking."

Sakuya goes to the opposite side of the narrow corridor. I suddenly feel thankful.

And I half-stumble into the washroom without even being aware of it. Just aware of the drumming in my chest. That pain in my chest. I yank off my shirt.

I avoided the mirror.

_there was this ugly duckling…_

 

 

_There are times when I get nightmares. I don't suddenly sit up when I wake from nightmares, like people in movies usually do. I just wake up, still lying in bed, and try to keep myself from sleeping lest I fall into another bout of nightmares again. I search the ceiling for any type of comfort. That's what usually happens to me._

_Sometimes, in those nightmares, I'm crying - and I suddenly wake up and find myself in real tears. I don't know why. I actually call dreams with me crying in it as nightmares, because I associate sadness with nightmares. It's all childlike philosophy but…_

_I think it doesn't really matter. What really matters is that I just wake up… and find that there's no one beside me shaking me awake, or at least anxiously looking at me to ask me if I'm alright. Most of the time, when I wake up, I expect someone to suddenly comfort me, or hug me. Just like the movies._

_But no one's there._

 

 

_i keep on seeing a little kid…_

 

 

I found myself staring at the ceiling. My vision's still swirling a little. Lethargy, it must be. My chest felt heavy, hot. My limbs seem to feel like the same.

The back of my hand found its way to my forehead. Felt it.

It feels hot. I must be feverish.

_or it might just be your nightmare. That's what usually happens to me._

It might just be the alcohol.

I let the hand fall away.

_don't cry_

_don't cry_

I shouldn't cry.

I looked at the door. I sort of expected a certain someone to be standing there… to…

_all just expectation_

I stared back at the ceiling again to get my senses at least a little straight. Then I began shifting on the bed, struggling against that uncomfortable heaviness in my chest, to lie on my side. The sheets twisted haphazardly at my legs, making the process even more difficult. So stupid.

_don't cry_

I yelped then when I finally noticed the figure huddled on the far wall facing me.

" _Gomen nasai_." Yuki just straightened from his place on the floor, still didn't stand up. He just stared his usual calm stare.

"I thought you already left."

"You just said 'Goodnight'."

"Please don't act stupid. You know what I mean." I knew I sounded too rude, but who cares? People are always grumpy when they're disturbed from their sleep. I pulled at the covers twisted around my legs in an attempt to smoothen them out again. It's getting even colder.

"You can die now," Yuki suddenly said.

_And Yuki and I were face to face, on the bed. His hand clutched tightly around a knife, pointed at my chest. Like he was stabbing me. He was expressionless. The sharp tip, I felt, had already penetrated my shirt, but it just hovered above the skin, lightly scratching it. But somehow I felt no pain._

_Then suddenly my hands moved to their own accord, wrapping firmly around Yuki's hand clutching the knife. There was still no change in his expression, and that kind of made me want to cry._

_Yet I still smiled him a thank you, and pulled the knife to my chest._

 

 

The back of my hand found its way to my forehead. Felt it.

It feels hot. I must be feverish.

_or it might just be your nightmare. That's what usually happens to me._

It might just be the alcohol.

I let the hand fall away.

_don't cry_

I suddenly realized some moisture rolling down the side of my face, splattering at the bridge of my ears and down my pillow.

_I said don't cry!_

_not again_

_is this just a dream_

_I shouldn't cry_

_why won't you stop…?!_

Then I realized I was not alone.

Again.

"Towa…"

_let's play_

"No!" I don't know how loud I've said that, as my hands quickly moved up to cover and wipe my face. But those foreign hands were too fast, pinning my wrists to my pillow. I felt fear clutch my limbs again. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream. I tried to, but that heaviness in the air dragged me back down again. To a frightening oblivion. It was all too hazy, and my head drummed a frantic, painful rhythm…

_you still have a debt ne?_

_stop_

_is this a dream_

_please let me die!_

 

 

I found myself staring at the ceiling.

And I struggled to sit up fast.

_No… no more…_

I'm scared… this might just be another nightmare. I felt so lightheaded, however, that I crashed down sideways on the bed again. The sheets felt so cold against my burning skin. It almost made me go back to sleep.

Yet I forced my eyes open, staring at wherever. I don't know how long I stayed in that fetal position, sheets tangled around my legs.

_why am i feeling so weak_

I tried to inhale, but my breath just came in like a shudder.

_get up_

I suddenly realized some moisture rolling down the side of my face.

Strangely this time, I just let them be. My mind felt blank. Sounded blank. They just flowed…

_Am I actually crying?_

I just wondered how long I have been that way. Whatever… I don't feel like I have the strength left to wipe them away anyway.

I really don't know how long I lied there.

_get up_

I feel so hot.

_have to drink_

I gingerly lifted myself up from the bed, detangling my legs from the sheets for a minute or two. My feet met ice cold floor as I stood up. I wiped my face with my sleeve. My stomach rumbled in protest. This couldn't be a dream.

_right?_

I stumbled out the door, unbuttoning my shirt as I went and pushing off the hair matted at my back and nape. The night was so cold, but it didn't help. Somehow my subconscious is telling me that I might already be nursing a fever. My breathing's not even normal. Maybe it's just because I'm hungry… but then eating never occurred in my mind. I thought then of taking a shower to cool myself down instead of just drinking water, but then that might just make things worse.

_You're just tired. Too thin. Too much beer. You'll get well in the morning._

Miraculously, I still managed to drag myself to the kitchen. I didn't turn on the lights anymore. I just wanted to go the fridge, drink down my parching throat. I licked my lips, tasting some leftover lipstick - they were already dry and chapping.

_is this just a dream_

Then I felt some kind of pain, and some kind of coppery-tasting warmth flow at my lip. I must have bit down on it.

 _good I'm not_  
  
Clamping down on my lips to stop the blood, I reached for a glass on the side counter and opened the fridge. Grabbed the nearest container. Pouring the contents on the glass, I realized that I got the one that had Coke.

I turned around, pulled up a chair from the small table at my back, and my eyes met violet ones across it.

"Yuki." I almost dropped the glass. He hadn't gone home. Or… suddenly my mind raced. _Is this really just another dream again?_ I don't know how long I remained standing there, frozen perhaps, clutching the back of the chair. _Or is this some burglar just impersonating Yuki?_

The voice that answered told otherwise. " _G-gomen._ " Yuki seemed surprised too. At my surprise, most probably. I sat down.

"What do you want?"

"Well…" Even at the darkness, I could see he looked as tired as I am. He just gestured at my glass of Coke. "Can I?"

I stood up again to get him a glass. But even though I've held on to the back of my chair for support, I still felt like I was toppling. I only managed to hiss a small sound of protest before some hands suddenly gripped my shoulders to prop me up.

_no!_

I quickly pushed away from the hands, backed against the counter. " _D-daijoubu_ …" The room was tilting?

_might just be a dream_

Yuki was standing in front of me. I really don't know how he got there so fast. "Why are you so jumpy?" And even before I could move away he had already touched my forehead. "You are drunk. I've got to get you back to bed."

I swatted away his hand. "I'm fine." I turned to the counter to get him a glass. I don't know how I did it. "You still need a drink, don't you?" The next time I faced him he was even much closer… two feet? Three feet? Almost too close for comfort, I guess. Like he was cornering me.

_let's play_

_get away from me_

But then this might all be just my imagination…

He was staring at me intently. "Why is it that when I get near you or touch you, you move away? Is something wrong?"

_You're going to tell me what's wrong and I won't take no for an answer_

_I don't like people touching me_

_everything_

_get away from me!_

I tried smiling at him, shrugging my usual nonchalance. "That's just what I am." But my heart and head were pounding. I really wanted to collapse right then and there… in his arms, maybe. Ha ha. All this tension is making me weaker. Instead I lifted the empty glass, offered it to him.

_I don't like people touching me_

He ignored that. He just focused his attention at my chapping lips, and I automatically became tense.

_what are you doing_

"And your lip's even bleeding." Worried eyes met mine. But still I stared back in nonchalance, refusing to believe.

_I've got no time for affection now_

_but why am I still here? why can't I move away?_

_I can't_

I can't move.

He still stared at me.

Like…

_I hate it when you stare at me_

"So? I just accidentally bit on it." I've got to get out of here. The drumming in my head is getting worse. I can't let him see any weakness that might surface. This might just be a dream, after all, and I don't want to wake up crying again.

_I hate it when I tell you the truth_

He still kept staring at my lips, as if he's smearing the blood there with his eyes.

"Stop that." This is all getting too uncomfortable.

His gaze fell away then, and I thought I was finally free. " _Gomen nasai_ , but I'm wondering - " he suddenly stopped himself. Maybe he's going to ask me again what's my problem. My body sort of relaxed then, and I began pushing myself off the counter to go to my room and prepare for another bout of denials.

_I hate it when you tell me that something's wrong with me_

But suddenly he leaned closer.

I still couldn't move.

Whatever he wants to do, I'm not exactly in the mood for it…

_because I crumble down…_

"Yuki -" I tried to protest, move away, but his lips had already pressed against mine, much to my surprise, and his hand had snaked firmly to the back of my neck, holding me in place. He felt so cold… or maybe it's just because of the beer still in my system. As I felt him nibbling at my lower lip, moistening the chapped skin, searing pain on the area I've bit, an unexplainable panic suddenly overtook me, and I immediately tried to shove him away, but to no avail. He was just too strong, or maybe I'm just too weak.

_no…_

I managed to push him away after a few seconds. My sudden strength must be divine intervention's. Or maybe he just finally let himself be pushed? I just stood there, backed against the counter. My heart pounded so fast, and at the back of my head I frantically wondered how I looked like in front of him this time. Yuki just stared back, his gaze measuring.

Then he finally spoke, gaze wavering. "I - I'm sorry… I couldn't help myself…"

I don't know how long we stayed that way, before I finally had the courage to ask what I always feared...

"Why?"

Yuki looked surprised, as if he expected that I must already know the answer. "I'm… well, we've long known each other… and during those times, I couldn't help but… get… attracted…" he was blushing horribly. Maybe he's humiliated, not that used to liking the same sex, which I am too, or he just plainly guessed that I could understand clearly what he's trying to say…

_but why aren't you happy_

_Maria… she's going to get angry with me…_

_… but they're two years separated now ne…?_

My gaze dropped to the floor. Why is it getting blurry? "Why?" I suddenly heard myself ask again, surprising us both, and I didn't even realize that my voice was trembling.

_why do you feel like you don't want to hear the answer_

Yuki looked even more surprised now. "Because… you seem so perfect… and beautiful…"

_and you'll always be our little slut_

I didn't realize that a wince had escaped my throat even before I could stop it.

_shouldn't cry_

"Towa…?"

_can't you let go_

"Please leave…"

Surprisingly, my voice came out soft and emotionless.

_can't you_

Yuki looked confused, his voice rushed. "Towa… look, I didn't mean to offend. I thought… that you wanted it too and all…"

_I thought I hid myself well_

_This is just a dream. He could not be Yuki. This isn't real…!_

I just turned on my heels and headed back to my room, still keeping my head bowed so that he wouldn't see the weakness that threatened to crack out of there. It's hopeless trying to get Yuki to leave when it looked like he obviously wouldn't.

_just a dream_

_you just want me because I'm beautiful…_

"Towa, _matte_!" I felt him grip my arm again before I could go far. The grip kind of hurt, and if I was stronger I wouldn't have gasped involuntarily as I was spun around to face him. In a flash of an instant our eyes locked, and his expression turned into concern when he saw my face. "You're…"

_just a dream_

_I don't like people touching me_

_then what is it to you_

I looked down and away from his stare. "Let go of me…" I didn't realize how frightened my voice came out as I tried to yank my arm off his handlock.

_can't show you how weak I am_

_I know this is just a dream_

"Towa…"

"Let me go!" I sharply snatched my arm off his grip, my momentum making me trip back until the corridor's wall suddenly stopped me. My voice must have sounded so loud. The wall felt so cool against my aching back, and suddenly I felt so trapped again, as my mind began jumbling the images I didn't want to see.

_can't you let go_

I clenched my fists, willed the ghosts away for a while, and pushed myself off the wall to stagger to my room.

 _can't you_  
  
"Towa…" I felt a hand touch my arm, and my body automatically jerked away from it.

_I can't_

_this is just a dream!_

"Towa!"

_you just want me because I'm beautiful…_

_you all do_

Somehow I managed to stumble to my door, and as I gripped the doorknob, I realized that my hand was shaking.

_you just don't know that… I want to tell you… what I feel…what I really want to say…_

_what I am…_

And suddenly I felt Yuki wrap his arms around me from my back, pulling me close, and my body stiffened, tried to mask the trembling.

_as if a hundred hands were touching me_

"Please let me go…" It more of sounded like a beg. A very frightened beg, and I felt even more ashamed of myself. This has got to be the most humiliating day of my life - the person that I like so much… though I don't know why… is seeing me in a state nearest to my weakest, seemingly too vulnerable beyond repair, very far from the calm and elegant bassist that he sees everyday… and I knew that he's very confused now, wondering what the hell is really wrong with me… or he might have already guessed what I've been through… before… and maybe he's even considering now to turn that weakness to his advantage, bury me deeper in my humiliation, abuse me like… like they…

"Towa."

_like they_

"Towa. Towa, please listen to me..."

_I_

Summoning the last bits of energy I must still have, I gently but firmly untangled myself from his arms, hoping that he wouldn't feel the trembling in my hands, hoping that he wouldn't see the trembling as I gripped the doorknob and twisted it hard.

_is this what you want_

As if I'm venting in that cold piece of metal all my anger, all my frustrations, all my fears…

_yes…because you don't notice me at all…because you just like what you think is me…because I'm afraid of you…because…_

_because…_

"Towa…"

_because I want you… to hold me… to tell you… what I feel…what I really want to say…_

_…though I don't know how to say it…_

I push open the door.

_…and I know it's wrong…_

And I slam it close after me, its hinges echoing with a finality that makes me want to die again…

 

 

I numbly entered the studio. Miraculously I didn't feel any kind of hangover - just that very dull ache in my torso and limbs. Same to what I felt last night.

Actually, I don't even know if that pain - and this pain right now - is real. It feels like my whole body is swimming with difficulty through the stale and oppressive air inside the studio's cramped corridor.

I don't even know if that encounter last night with Yuki was also real…

_Shit_

_Towa you're so pathetic_

I don't want to think about that anymore.

Most probably just another dream…

_Towayouresopathetic_

_Yes, it ISN'T real…_

I push open the practice room's door.

"Towa! You're late!" I slightly winced at Atsuro's young voice. It seemed a little too loud.

"Well, at _least_ he came. Unlike some other person I know…"

I looked at Santa. The normally quiet Sakuya - I didn't even realize he was already there - suddenly spoke at my back. "You know where he is?"

I forced myself to twist a little to face him, to give him a little shrug and a silent, "No." Then I faced my guitar case and began unlocking it as I went to my usual spot at the corner and everyone resumed their own business.

Then Yuki suddenly went in.

"Oi, _BAKA_! You've made us wait for TWO HOURS…!"

And my mind automatically tuned off Santa's annoyingly shrill lecture, as my eyes immediately forced itself not to look at Yuki as he headed for his usual spot at the end of the room.

And he didn't look at me this time as he passed by my spot. As he passed near _me_.

He just breezed past.

And I knew, then, that last night was real.

 

 

I couldn't help but

I

_Towa, let's play_

I felt that shaking hand rise.

I felt the barrel rise.

Then it touched.

 

 

_I can't_

_And suddenly it felt as if a hundred hands were touching me_

My head felt heavy.

Like I'm…

_It feels so cold_

_I don't want to be cold_

_Towa, let's play_

_I can't_

_Bang_

_let's play, Towa…_

_come on_

 

 

"First it's Towa. Next it's Yuki. Now who's next?!"

I blinked.

_Bang_

Door.

"Who knows for sure what's going on. I don't even know."

"Whatever. But if this keeps up, Sakuya would no doubt get impatient and think again about leaving us...!"

Someone pushed at my door, only stopping when the person realized that it was locked. I lifted my boot-clad legs then, pushed against the door's wooden frame in return.

"There's someone else in here." The voice was already in another cubicle.

I heard a wince, then a sheepish voice. "Uhh… it couldn't be either of the two, right..?"

The other voice answered back laughingly, "I hope not!"

Doors swung open twice again after a minute or two. My legs slumped down.

I'm alone.

I wanted to cry.

 

 

_I might just break up again my repression seems to be crumbling down day by day and I don't know when I would finally snap I actually want that to happen it just might make me forget things I'm just too tired of hiding I'm just too tired of taking care of things of my own of taking care of myself of trying to hold myself together piecing myself together frantically whenever I get hurt of trying to hide behind a cool mask whenever others and my emotions start to threaten to break me down of pretending elegance when I actually feel like a jerk…_

_damn it you're so poetic…_

 

 

"Towa."

I jumped, my steps slowing as I looked back.

Sakuya. He was leaning against the infamous heavily vandalized wall beside the studio and I didn't even notice. I quietly cursed myself. He might have been there all along.

"Yes?" My voice somehow sounded like a wheeze - my limbs and torso, with the addition now of my ribcage, still hurt.

He stared at me for a moment, as if clueless. Or it might just be my imagination. He threw down his cigarette and ground it under his boot, then headed for his bike. "Care for a lift?"

I stared back blankly. Never had I imagined that a bandmate named Sakuya would ever say anything close to that, much less say anything… well, in fact, he almost never spoke to me at all… something was wrong with this picture…

Sakuya just went on to warming up his bike, seemingly oblivious to my stupefied stance.

 _He wants to talk to me,_ I realized, and my heart sank.

_It must be about my flunking in the band these days…_

Or…

_Did Yuki make him talk to me…?_

I erased the last thought almost angrily. I can't let Sakuya see that I'm -

Sakuya was looking at me, an expression as verbally impatient as "Well?" streaked across his face. If I wasn't polite, I wouldn't have accepted the offer.

Reluctantly, I walked to the back of the bike and hitched in. I had no time to cringe at the thought of having to hold at Sakuya's bare waist to support myself as he suddenly shot the bike off the curb and soon started a run at the highway that would either most probably throw me off my seat or attract some traffic men. _Doesn't this Sakuya remember that he's got someone else at his back?!_ , I mentally screamed, but I just clung onto Sakuya's waist for dear life, my other hand precariously trying to secure the guitar at my back.

Soon we arrived at my street, much to my relief. But even before Sakuya could get any nearer to my house and stop, I had froze, and my nails suddenly dug at Sakuya's torso that I felt him wince a little. "Don't stop."

"Eh?" Sakuya had to shout. We were going to fast for him to hear me.

I leaned closer. "I said don't stop!" I shouted back.

"Why? We're already here!"

"Just don't!"

For a couple of seconds, when I felt Sakuya gradually drop speed, I thought that he was not going to grant my request, and I got that frightened feeling again. But he actually did otherwise, revving up the bike and suddenly speeding again that I almost yelped in surprise and fell off. A couple of corners and I find ourselves on the highway again.

" _Arigatou_!"

Sakuya did not reply. I fell quiet myself then - he actually spoke more than enough today that I kind of felt unworthy to make him talk further.

So I stretched a little on my seat for a while, tired, and my gaze fell on one of the bike's rearview mirrors.

I saw Sakuya staring at me.

_Who was that?_

I looked away, taking care not to make the act look like I had snapped away too quickly. _How could he drive and look at me at the same time?_ But no… that was not actually what I was thinking…

_he saw him_

His gaze had pulled away. I might just be seeing things…

"Where are we going?"

I didn't answer.

He didn't ask again.

_where are you going_

I couldn't.

I really didn't know where.

_you're running away again_

And the rest of the world was a blur, as we sped past bars and streets and pavements, somehow creating a vacuum in my head… Blank and a little disconcerted, I looked in front of me, at the only one that was real - Sakuya -

\- and suddenly even he begins to blur…

_What…_

Some parts of my face felt cooler than usual.

_What…_

I had to try real hard then not to clutch too closely at Sakuya's waist, try real hard not to let him see me at his rearview mirror, try real hard not to shove myself against his back just to stop that torrent of emotions from spilling out… But still, Sakuya was as real as ever, solid, silent… still smelling of musk despite the wind… still making me remember a certain guitarist with long midnight violet hair and eyes that was as solid as he is…

_i wish you were the one holding me right now…_

Before I even realized it, my tears were falling fast again.

 

 

_Towa, you're so stupid_

_you just cry and cry_  
  
_everything around you makes you cry_

_slut_

_can't you let go_

_you cannot call something as "the past" when it's still happening_

_everything around you hurts you_

_everything around you makes you cry_

_even him_

_you want him beside you_

_but you don't_

_you are hurting… you know it_

_you cry too much_

_what else could you feel then…?_

_they_

_he_

_just wants me because I'm beautiful_

_two years? three years? five years?_

_they all do…_

_you can't do anything about that now_

_but_

_why can't i…_

_why can't you let go then_

_i don't want to cry anymore_

_yet you still_

_you don't deserve him_

_but_

_i don't deserve him_

_I_

_I don't want to love him_

_…_

_but_

I cracked open an eye, a little dazed at first. A dark ceiling… and a sudden constriction at my chest made me roll over to cough. I caught sight of Sakuya asleep at the bedpost, however, that I had to quickly cover my mouth and muffle it. My cough actually came out like gasping hacks of breath.

_what's wrong with me_

I gingerly sat up from my curl at the floor, my body aching more than ever, and scanned his lifeless room for any clocks. None. I saw some thin cords hanging at the vacant side table however, so I crawled over, taking care not to knock over the empty beer bottles standing around.

Sakuya's MD player. The LCD said 12:50 a.m.

_I shouldn't be here_

_you should leave  
_  
I slumped back against the table for a moment, trying to calm that drumming in my chest that screamed for air. Sakuya's small apartment, with its near-emptiness and all, was almost claustrophobic. _Or it must be the beer. What you get for not eating first before you drink…_

_you never learn_

I looked at Sakuya. Slumped against the bedpost and oblivious to the world.

He actually hadn't said or asked anything else the whole night after that aimless tour on his bike - just bought some beer. We drank right away the moment we settled in his apartment, and he didn't even comment on the fact that his band's bassist actually drank that much. I must have passed out first.

_so much for thinking that he wanted to talk to you ne_

_and here I thought…_

I squeezed my eyes shut, my knees drawing up to my chest and letting my forehead fall over them.

_I hate this…_

I felt like crying again.

_you should be used by now_

_he isn't concerned about you_

_not even him_

_nobody is_

The next moment found me stumbling out of the door.

_so why are you still expecting_

_but I want to -_

_no_

_as long as you won't say anything, nobody will know…_

 

 

The next moment, everything was a daze…

_they._

_i thought he wasn't there anymore_

_and at the other end of the room, i saw a kid. he didn't have the body of a kid, but i knew he was still a kid_

_i saw…_

I stumbled into my room. I must have tripped, because the next moment I couldn't see anything…

_i didn't realize… i forgot my guitar case_

_the next moment, i felt someone pin me down…_

 

 

_Towa._

_Towa_

"Towa."

I couldn't…

_see anything_

"Towa… are you awake?"

_Towa._

_"Yuki…"_

" _K'so_ \- are you alright?"

Violet eyes were suddenly burning at me.

I gasped, backing away, only to realize that I was laid on some sort of surface. I felt warm hands grab at my arms.

"Towa… Towa, it's alright." Yuki was still holding on firmly to me, nothing but worry creasing his features, and I realized for the first time that I was on some bed and was flailing against his hold.

 _No… I am on_ my _bed…_

Realizing, my whole body seemed to slump back, though somehow I found it difficult to relax…

"Towa… you're trembling…"

I stared up at him, confused. _I'm trembling?_

I tried to curl my hand.

_I'm… trembling…_

_but_

I looked up at Yuki, disjointed.

_what am I doing here_

_isn't… isn't Yuki supposed to be ignoring me…_

_why is he_

"…Yuki…" Why was it so difficult to speak… "…what are you doing here…?"

"Towa… what was your former manager doing here?"

I stared at him.

Towa looked at me patiently, his hold loosened a little. "Your former manager - what was he doing here?"

"My former…"

_you still have a debt ne?_

_I_

I took a deep breath, averting my eyes, somehow my senses finally back in line… I hope he hadn't noticed that…

_control yourself_

_you can't…_

"He's… he's just visiting…" I tried sitting up, his hands slipping from my arms. But some sharp bolts at my torso and chest had suddenly sent my doubling over, making me gasp in pain and try to find my breath. Yuki catches me, and, before I knew it, I found myself slumped against his shoulder.

_… don't…!_

I tried to move away then, but that pain still struck me at various parts of my body at the smallest twitch, like muscles suddenly snapping and pulling apart, shooting up to my chest. I had to bite my lip when that happened, involuntarily clutching tight at his shirt, as if that act alone could make it ebb away… but it didn't, and I really didn't know what's wrong and what the hell happened that I'm feeling this sick.

So when I felt his hands move up to my back, loosely holding me close and supporting me against his chest, I could only tense. His hands felt too warm…

_wait a minute_

_i don't have a shirt…_

_he might see…_

I quickly tried to push away, panicked, but his hands were quicker - his arms seemed to instantly tighten around me when he felt me starting to draw away, forcing me to stay. I felt helpless, wincing as his arms brushed against some painful parts at my torso.

And I started to sense what I feared the most - his fingers started to find those parts of my body which I hated the most … tracing quietly those uneven scars running and crisscrossing down my back and reaching up to my torso, chest, arms… I squeezed my eyes shut to stop any incoming and bit my lip, tense, clutching at his shirt, maybe even trembling, couldn't look at myself to see why I hurt, couldn't protest, couldn't move…

_why are you doing this to me why are you doing this to me_

I felt him snuggle closer, one hand moving up to smooth the hair at the back of my neck. I could feel his chest rise and fall… the rhythm of a breath… strangely comforting…

_but…_

_you don't deserve him_

_don't_

"Yuki," I managed to choke out, trying to pull away again, trying to sound light, "I'm ok now, you don't have to -"

I felt his arms tighten more.

"Towa," he whispered, "what had he done to you?"

_I couldn't hear anything_

_i just wanted to be beautiful…_

_answer him, Towa_

_answer him_

_I…_

_he will hate me_  
  
I only felt my fingers curl even tighter at his shirt, shivering.

_he will hate you_

_he will_

_i don't want to_

_I…_

And those tears began escaping from my eyes, and before I even realized what was happening I had shoved myself deeper into his arms, the long-suppressed sobs from my chest welling out as no more than repressed chokes of emotion that I couldn't stop.

 

 

Atsuro once told him that Towa used to quip about not really being that "pretty" when he was young.

Now…

He wished he had listened.

 _He's sleeping now_ , Yuki observed - curled up against his chest and clutching part of his shirt as if it were a lifeline. The blond's sprawl at his chest looked quite uncomfortable, as his own position on the bed was - back slumped crookedly against the headboard - but he didn't really mind. Only the gentle motions of his hand smoothing away those golden wisps of hair mattered, taking care not to shift even a little bit or he'll risk waking up that too-lithe figure.

Towa only cried the whole night, still hadn't said anything... _God, I…_ He almost felt angry, as his eyes followed those trails of tears that had only just dried on those unnaturally pale cheeks. _How long you have cried… suffered… and I didn't even…_

A honk outside the window made him wince, forced him to carefully reach at the side table and turn out the light. He almost forgot… the motorcycle outside seemed to take the cue, and its sounds of starting and speeding off followed a few minutes later. _Thank you_ , he silently thanked the vocalist, watching the shadows shift at the wall opposite him, _I'm just in time…_

A slight hitch of breath, and he looked down to find Towa clutching even more tightly at his shirt. A troubled expression, most probably a nightmare… his arms almost instantly tightened around the now-seemingly fragile bassist, partly in protectiveness and partly in pain. How he wished he could know what the bassist was thinking, dreaming right now, see those demons himself, but… _I really didn't know… I may never ever know… but… no matter what happened…_

" _Kou-shite made_ …" he whispered, "… _kou-shite… aishiteru…_ "

The sirens wailed away in the distance.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic actually started around a few hours before the start of the New Year 2001, finished revisions around jul 27 2001, and finished html coding around aug 1 2001. proved to be the longest and most difficult i've ever made - led everyone i turn to say a different interpretation for the events stated in this piece or not understand at all. but i actually liked the overall effect ^^. Originally FF Published: 11-13-01


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